On Wednesday, January 20^th I visited my midwife for a checkup, and asked her to check my cervix. I had had my husband check it for me a couple of times, and I was curious because he seemed to think that I was dilated between 3-4 cm, which was farther than I had ever gone before the beginning of labor before. My midwife said that I was 3 cm, but then she did a little bit of massage, and at the end she said I was about 4 cm dilated. I was really expecting my labor to be short because of this, at least I was hoping! I also had a chiropractic adjustment after my midwife appointment that day, and then we got groceries at Costco before coming home. After coming home my daughter and I took a walk with my mom, and then came back home and ate dinner. While sitting at the table I had a few Braxton Hicks contractions that felt a bit different, and once I even had to run to the toilet because the contraction was making me feel incontinent! This had never happened to me before, and I started wondering if something was going to happen that night. After dinner I took a short nap.

Every night the children kept telling me that they hoped we would wake them up that night for the baby’s birth. I tucked them all into bed that night with the same prayers, that God would send our new baby to us very soon! And because I had taken a late nap, I didn’t feel tired and wanted to watch a movie, so we watched Love’s Enduring Promise together. This was fun, since we haven’t watched any movies together in several months. I was still feeling BH contractions, but nothing that indicated any progress as of yet.

At midnight after the movie was over, I decided to go take a shower and try to get some sleep. I remember praying for peace during my shower, I had been praying a lot for God to give me peace and take away any fears about my labor. I also noticed a small amount of bloody show when I went to the bathroom, and I came back downstairs to tell my husband. I knew it might just be a result of the exam though, so I didn’t get too excited yet. After showering, I laid down and listened to my Hypnobirthing CD. I stayed in bed until about 2 AM trying to sleep, but the contractions were just strong enough and distracting enough to keep me from sleeping. My bowels were also cleaning out, which I knew could be a sign of labor. At some point I began watching the clock, and they were coming about 5 minutes apart for at least 30 minutes or so. Looking back, I decided to count my labor as starting somewhere around midnight.

Right after 2 AM I got back up and came downstairs, I just couldn’t relax enough to go to sleep, and I had decided that I was definitely in labor. I talked to my husband about calling the midwives and our support team, but he said something that made me decide to wait awhile, and I’m glad I did. Later on he said that he hoped that he hadn’t made a mistake by encouraging me to wait – he didn’t want to deliver the baby without help! I spent about 2 hours working on paperwork at my desk and doing a few things on the computer. I wrote in my daughter’s journal, and also wrote my son’s birthday letter which I hadn’t done yet. It was good to distract myself, although I also kept track of the contractions on a piece of paper during this time. They were not extremely regular, but somewhere around 4-6 minutes apart, and I was starting to feel the need to stop what typing and concentrate through them.

By about 4:15 the contractions hadn’t gotten any closer or much stronger, so I decided to go back upstairs and lie down. My husband hadn’t been to bed yet, and I also wanted him to try and get some sleep if he could. So I laid in bed again until 5:30, trying to relax and watching the clock while he slept.

The contractions spaced out some for a short time, and went from 10 to 8 to 5 and then finally to 3 minutes apart by 5:20 AM. At this point I knew it was time to call everyone, because I could tell they were progressively getting stronger as well as closer together. So I woke my husband up and had him call our birth team. I requested that my midwife come right away, I was still anticipating a fairly short labor once it really got going and wanted her to get there soon. I paced the bedroom floor for awhile, and then sat down on the birth ball and leaned against the bed, reading my book of scripture verses and meditating during contractions. My husband did a few things, but then he sat down behind me and started using the vibrating massager on my back during contractions, which felt really good.

From here on I didn’t time any more contractions or pay much attention to the clock, and eventually I totally lost track of the time.

I was still sitting on the ball when Mom arrived somewhere around 6:15 AM, and then my midwife came shortly after. My husband had been filling up the birth pool but we had both forgotten about it, so it was nearly full and way too cold! This was a disappointment to me, I was afraid it wouldn’t be ready soon enough for me to get in. But I didn’t have time to worry about it, because the contractions were getting stronger all the time. My midwife took my husband’s place with the massager for awhile, and then suggested that I get up to use the bathroom. My friend/doula arrived just as I was getting up, and I remember feeling bad that I didn’t greet her, but I needed to get to the toilet before another contraction came. I called my husband to come in the bathroom with me, and he hugged me and talked to me through several contractions on the toilet. The other midwife also arrived while I was in the bathroom, and I was happy that everyone was there who was supposed to be there.

I really wanted to get in the pool at this point, but it wasn’t ready yet, and it took me a few minutes to decide what I should do. But eventually I went back to my bed and laid down on my left side with the body pillow for awhile. My midwife came and talked to me through some contractions, and my husband came and went during this time because he was still working on preparing the birth pool. I asked about my friend/doula a couple of times, but she was working on getting the video camera ready. When she came, I asked her to hold my hand and right away I felt really good about my decision to ask her to be at my birth. I also asked her to pray for me, which she did several times during the next couple of hours, and I loved hearing her voice and feeling her touch. I remember being concerned about her being comfortable, and wanting to know if she had found a good place to sit and if she was comfortable.

After awhile my midwife (I think) came and told me that the birth pool was ready if I wanted to get in. Part of me just wanted to stay in the bed, the contractions were getting very intense and I was hoping that the baby was nearly ready to be born. But after a couple more contractions, I decided the pool sounded really good after all. I don’t know what time I got in, but I do remember looking at the clock not too long after getting in and it was almost 8:00, and my midwife offered to go and wake up the girls (I thought they would already be awake but they weren’t) to come in and be my doulas too.

The water took the intensity out of my contractions for a few minutes, but then they started really building up again. My daughters came in and my strength was renewed by seeing them and their beautiful excited smiles. I asked one of them to hold the picture of all 6 children for me to look at, and at some point my husband asked her to recite some scriptures for me. The girls both rubbed my arm a lot, and I really appreciated seeing both of their faces now and then when I opened my eyes. I kept them closed most of the time, for some reason I drew a lot of strength from hearing everyone talking to me, but I preferred to keep my eyes closed. One thing that I think is funny now is that my husband started rubbing my ear lightly during one contraction, and I actually liked it and asked him to do it again the next time! For some reason it was a really good distraction for awhile, I guess just because it was a different sensation than I was used to.

My time in the birth pool seemed very short in some ways, but in other ways it seemed like an eternity. I didn’t want the midwives to check my cervix unless truly necessary, so we didn’t know how far I had progressed, but I feel like my transition period was longer than most of my previous births have been. I could have easily been distressed by this, but I had so many people giving me their strength and support through their words and touch, and I was focusing so much on my scriptures and prayer, that I didn’t take much notice of the time that was passing. I started vocalizing through all of the contractions at some point, it really seemed to help to make some noise.  I was briefly tempted a couple of times to ask them to check my cervix, but as soon as another contraction came I would forget about it, and now I’m very glad that I didn’t ask, because it would probably have been discouraging to know. I also remember at one point my friend/doula telling me that the video camera was set up (the battery had been low and I think she felt really bad about it) now. I was glad to hear that, but to be honest, at that point I didn’t really care whether it was there or not.

The contractions kept getting stronger and closer together, and I almost felt like I was outside myself at times, watching my labor and being my own doula, trying to determine how far along I was and how much longer it would be. When I started feeling more pressure during the contractions, I knew the time was close and I wanted so badly for it to be over with, that I started talking about it and saying that I wanted to push the baby out. I think I was hoping that by saying it out loud, I would cause it to happen faster. But when my midwife suggested that I could try a little push during a contraction, I could tell right away when I tried that it wasn’t quite time yet. I even put my own hand down there a few times to see if I could feel the baby, I felt it moving down so much that I was expecting it to be right there. I could feel something, but it wasn’t the baby’s head, and I was confused by what I felt until they told me it was probably the amniotic sac bulging that I was feeling. I knew she was correct right away, and although I was slightly tempted to ask them to break the water, I also knew that would make the contractions even more intense, so I didn’t ask.

I kept trying a little push during several contractions, and finally I felt a true urge to push, and almost immediately my water broke. I started screaming as I usually do at that point, and pushed out the head very soon, it seemed like it was right after the water broke but I’m not sure. Then I actually took a couple of breaths and someone told me to reach down and touch the baby’s head! This is very unusual for me, because I usually push the whole baby out in one push. I didn’t take long though, I was very anxious to get the baby out – so I pushed again and then felt the baby in my arms and heard my husband telling me to hold the baby. I opened my eyes, and heard everyone exclaiming about how much vernix there was, the baby was totally white with it and surprised all of us because I was 3 days past my due date. I took a minute or so to catch my breath, and then checked to see if we had a boy or a girl – and was so happy to see another girl! The umbilical cord was very short so I couldn’t bring her up on my chest too far, and also needed a little bit of help to move the cord out of the way to see that she was a girl. Everyone was laughing and happy, and the baby was crying loudly! She was born at 9:21 AM. I looked up and saw my mom standing there with a big smile on her face, and she was so happy that she had just walked in the door to check on me and saw her being born! I was really happy that Mom got to be there for that too. My husband caught the baby all by himself, with my midwife standing back to watch. He shared with me how neat it felt to have her face come out in his hands, he said it felt incredible to have the little squished face come into his hands and then take shape once it was out. He then felt for a cord around her neck (there wasn’t one) and caught her once I pushed again. I’m so glad that he was able to catch his own daughter without any help!

The midwives covered me up with a towel in the water, and then we invited our other children to come and meet their new sister. Our oldest son got to cut the cord, and they all stood there and watched us in the water for awhile, I was happy just to sit there holding her, I was so happy that the labor was over and so happy to have another daughter, just like we had hoped for! After the placenta was delivered they suggested that I get out of the water and onto the bed, the water was getting a little bit cold and she wanted to nurse. So we asked the boys to leave again, and I laid on the bed bare chested and we tried letting her lie on my chest for awhile to see if she would crawl up to my breasts on her own like I had read about and seen pictures of in a book. She did crawl up on my chest and was trying to find the breast, but then she kept stopping and finally seemed like she had given up. So when she was about 1 hour old we decided to give up on that idea, and I sat up in bed and helped her get latched on. She nursed for a long time on both sides.

After nursing, my midwife weighed and measured her and we couldn’t believe that she was 9 lbs. 4 oz, 22 ½ inches long, and had a 15 inch head! She said that she had only had one other baby with a bigger head, it was 15 ¼ inches and it was a 12 pound baby! I only had a little tiny tear, not big enough to need any stitches.

This labor was actually a bit longer than any of my other labors had ever been before, almost 9 ½ hours. Active labor didn’t start until about 4 hours before she was born though. And although I was wishing for a short labor, I was able to stay very peaceful and calm until almost the end because of the support I had around me. I am so thankful for God’s peace in my heart as well, which kept me from being concerned about the clock.

As an educator, I am pretty easy-going.  My main goal is to offer accurate, evidence-based information and trust the expectant family to make the decisions they feel are right for their situation.  I don’t give a lot of “you should do this” kind of advice — it’s just not my style, and I don’t think it lends well to a woman learning to trust her inner wisdom.

One place where I throw this out the window, though, is when it comes to “rules” a partner absolutely must follow.  These rules are not covered in a particular class, rather they come up according to what topics we happen to be discussing.  In class last week we happened to touch upon quite a few of these rules, and I told my families, “I should write these down.”  Enter, the blog!

These are for partners, so the “you” in the sentence is not the woman who is pregnant, but her direct support person…I think you know who you are.

1.  You are not allowed to have bad breath.  Her breath will probably be less-than-optimal — she is working hard, breathing through her mouth, it could have been hours since she last brushed her teeth, or she may have thrown up her last snack.  None of this matters.  She needs support, often in a very close, in-your-personal-space kind of way.  If her breath causes you to recoil, you can muster up your strength and remind yourself of the awesome events unfolding within her body.  If your breath causes her to recoil, she may, very bluntly, tell you so, or maybe she will just involuntarily vomit in your lap.  You have been warned.  No chili cheese fries with extra garlic for you, partner.  Breath mints, gum, and mouthwash are your friends.

2.  You are not allowed to comment about anything else that might come out of her that is NOT a baby.  It is very common for a woman to have a bowel movement during the second stage of birth — it is actually a good thing — not only does it provide extra space for a baby, it also shows she knows how to push.  If a woman asks later, “Did I poop?” be careful, this question can be as loaded as, “Do I look fat?”  My best answers to this question:  “Hmm, I don’t remember,” or a solid, “No.”  One situation, kids, where honesty doesn’t pay.

3.  You are not allowed to try and have a conversation with her during a contraction.  Commonly, partners pick this one up pretty quickly, so it is kind of a freebie.  But, there is a second part:  While this seems like a simple idea to you, others coming and going may not remember to “respect the contraction.”  Your job is to run interference so the laboring woman can focus — remember her contractions are her body’s little bursts of working energy, and her concentration is needed.  If a nurse or friend tries to talk to her at this point, not only can it be a source of irritation to her, it can actually impede her body’s ability to unroll the red carpet that is the birth process.  “Let’s wait and ask her when the contraction is over.”

4.  You are not allowed to suffer in silence if there are people in the room that your partner is obviously not comfortable with.  This includes friends and family as well as hospital staff.  If the person(s) happen to be friends or family, and they just won’t listen to your kind requests of removal, enlist help from your doula or nurse or practitioner.  Get one of these fine folks alone in the hall and let her know your company has gotten out of control, and to save yourself the potential grudge at the 4th of July party and forever, could she please help you out?  These professionals have mouths like magic wands and they can easily clear a room with smiles on their faces and official-ness in their voices.  Your guests will never know what was at the root of their departure, and you have helped protect your partner and the space she needs to un-focus for birth.

If the unwanted guest happens to be working at the hospital, it is perfectly acceptable to ask for a replacement or a removal.  If you feel there is a bad connection with your nurse, you can talk to her about it, talk to the nurse manager about it, or talk to your practitioner about it, and see if the situation can be changed for the better, either with improved communication, or with a new nurse who better fits your philosophy and birthing plans.  If a nurse walks in with a group of students and your birthing partner does not want to be on the observation deck, this is a situation where you can ask for removal, in a nice way, of course.  “My-partner-the-laboring-woman and I discussed this beforehand, and she is not comfortable having students present.”

5.  You are not allowed to get upset if you catch the brunt of some unseemly comments.  When a woman is having a baby, some odd things happen in her brain and she may not be in the “polite” part of her mind – that filter of sorts – that “nice-izes” the things we say.  Imagine this:  your eyes are closed and you are listening to something you know is very important, but it is lightly garbled and it runs together.  Your job is to pick out the words and phrases and construct some logical instructions out of it.  The words are being whispered, and you are concentrating hard, trying to understand them.  At the same time, you are aware of a fly buzzing around your face.  You don’t know how long the fly has been there, but suddenly it seems like forever, and in a nanosecond, the idea of that fly just consumes you, and you pop open your eyes and start flailing your arms around like crazy, surprised by how you went from zero to medieval in no time flat.  That’s kind of what it’s like in your head when you are absorbed in having a baby.

6.  You are not allowed to complain about being tired, hungry, sick, or sore.  That just kind of goes without saying.  If you feel you might need someone to help you help your partner if one of these four physical conditions should arise, consider hiring a doula.  Not only does she help the laboring mother, she also ensures the birth partner is doing well, gets to eat, gets to rest, gets a shoulder rub, etc.

To sum up:  Labor and birth are intense times.  There is so much going on that it can be hard to know how to help.  A woman must go through this process herself – no one can do it for her.  But that doesn’t mean she has to be alone while she is doing it.  The most important rule a partner should remember is to be with her and remind her of the wonderful job she and her baby are doing together, and that she has your support, your heart, and your presence during the process.

Author: Stacie Bingham. Printed with permission.