* I wrote these thoughts in 2005 after having 2 miscarriages within 3 months. The second one was especially physically and emotionally traumatic to me. I hope and pray that this sharing of my struggles and the things I have learned will be of some comfort to those who have experienced a miscarriage. I also hope it will help loved ones of the bereaved mother be able to better understand what she is going through.

Here are a few thoughts about what I have learned so far…

I have learned that I cannot predict when the grief will hit me, some days are great and other days I don’t feel like doing anything except moping and crying.  Some days I can look at a newborn baby and smile, and other days I can only look away and try not to cry.

I have learned that it is better not to push down the pain when it comes, but to face it and pray through it, and allow myself to cry.

I have learned that it is better when people bring up the subject and ask how I am doing, rather than ignoring it for fear of how I will react.  When they ignore it, I feel like my loss is being minimized and they have already forgotten. Regarding this, I  learned a couple of days ago that when no one else will bring it up, but I felt it hanging in the air so to speak, it was okay for me to bring it up even though it was hard.  As soon as I did, everyone offered their sympathies and wanted to hear more details.  And then the rest of the evening was so much easier!

I have learned that I need to protect myself. I have unsubscribed from almost all of my e-mail lists because I could not handle the talk about pregnancy.  I also decided not to attend a ladies’ meeting after I found out that my sister-in-law was pregnant, because I didn’t want to ruin her joy in telling everyone her good news, and I didn’t feel strong enough to be able to show my happiness for her.

I have learned that only people who have been there can truly understand, and it also seems that the pain of miscarriage fades with time and those people who had miscarriages a long time ago may not be able to understand either.

I have learned that I need to reach out for help. My family members (mother, mother-in-law, sisters-in-law) have not gone through miscarriages, so although they really want to help, they don’t know how. About a month afterwards, I wrote all of them an e-mail explaining that although I am doing better, the hurt is still there and I just don’t know how to ask for help when I need it. This e-mail really opened the lines of communication and I have felt much more cared about since then by my close friends and family.

I have learned that writing down my feelings really helps. I have a journal called “Teardrop Diary” which I have been using often. The poems speak exactly what I am feeling so many times, and I have shared a few of them with the family that I mentioned above. I also wrote down a detailed account of both miscarriages (14 pages on the computer) to put in my memory box with the other things I have, so that I will not be afraid to forget anything.

I have learned that having a tangible way to honor my babies is a very healing thing for me.  Along with my memory box, I also have put an angel statue in the flowerbed where we buried our baby, and planted a flowering plant there. I also want to eventually get a piece of jewelry with all of my children’s birthstones on it, and include a momento for each of my angel babies as well.

I have learned that what I really want from others is for them to acknowledge my loss and not ignore it or minimize it.  I have had two children die, it’s not just a failed pregnancy. I don’t expect people to know how to make me feel better, but just to keep praying and allow me to grieve in whatever way I need to.

I have learned at least a little bit how to comfort someone else who has gone through a miscarriage.  I will not leave them alone to grieve, I will not treat it lightly, I will not assume they are okay if they are acting okay. I will keep asking, keeping praying, and keep reaching out in whatever way I can, for as long as they need it.

Author: Brenda Minica – All Rights Reserved.